~Lost~
Monday, September 27, 2021
Hello, my dear readers! (if I still have any 😋)
It has been such a long time since I last blogged!
The last post was back in 2018! Three years have passed and lots have changed.
It did not occur to me that it has been such a long time since then.
I am also surprised for the fact that I was able to sign in to this space 😂
I thought my account would be blocked for being inactive.
And looking at my blog, the layout does need a massive upgrade.
I'll save that for some other day because I do not have the patience and time to beautify my blog like how I used to 😅
I always have so many ideas or topics to talk about but whenever I have free time to myself, I prefer to do nothing, watch movies, scroll the social media, read some books.
It's as if I never have the perfect time and motivation to sit down and write a post.
Anyway, today's post is rather random.
It's more of me spilling all my thoughts here after keeping them to myself for a very long time.
And perhaps, this post shall act as a reminder for my future self to show how strong I have been😉
The Covid-19 pandemic has been going on for almost two years.
Our first total lockdown, MCO, began on 18th March, 2020.
And ever since that day, I've been working from home mostly.
I guess up to today, I only went to office for a cumulative of less than 21 days.
I am not saying WFH isn't great. But, there are some downsides to it as well.
The good part is, I am able to be back to my hometown and I do not need to wake up early to commute for work anymore. I do not need to dress up too. 😋 I get to save money too because I don't spend unnecessarily. And I don't have to meet people face to face 😂
I was moved to a new position about a month and a half from the first MCO date.
Honestly, when this opportunity was offered to me, I was very skeptical because I felt like my personality does not fit that job well.
I've always have bad perception and label on this job.
I guess there were people who saw growing potential in me and decided to give a shot at me.
I asked if I was given an option to turn down this offer but I guess the decision from the top was already firm.
Nevertheless, at that moment, I needed to try something new as I was in my previous role for over 3 years. It was getting stagnant and it was time to change.
So, I agreed to take up the position offered as I wanted to learn and push my limits and boundaries. I wanted to learn something different.
And because we were going through a pandemic, I did not want to make any dumb decision such as requesting to move to a new department as the situation in the company wasn't very convincing.
Coming from a technical background, this position has never been in my list. And it's one of the jobs that I want to avoid in my life 😂
However, I wanted to take the leap of faith for something that I have never imagined myself doing or trying.
I also wanted to change the stigma that a lady shouldn't be in that field.
But, I'd be lying if I was not afraid because I have no background and I am the only lady in that team.
Anyway, I am not sure if the Covid-19 pandemic has changed my life or the way I perceive life.
But, ever since I've switched position, my motivation level starts to decrease.
I don't enjoy doing the job.
Sometimes, I blame myself for feeling and being this way.
Why am I not able to accept and embrace the changes?
Perhaps, it is because the switch was at the wrong time.
I start to lose passion at my job. I couldn't put 100% focus at what I do most days anymore.
I feel a strong resentment towards my job. There were many days I felt like quitting. But I told myself to not give up and keep trying harder. Which I do until today. I still get my tasks completed as per requirements and expectations.
But, I start to lose direction in life. I do not know what I want to achieve in life. And this gives me anxiety because I feel I have no control of my life. I have no clarity of what lies ahead of me.
Sometimes, I'd get minor panic attack when I feel I have nobody to depend on at my job, under too much stress or when I feel that I am unable to overcome challenges.
I don't understand why I am not able to perform like how I used to. I just don't enjoy the learning process anymore. I start to lose my personality.
It seems that I am ungrateful. Many people fight to be where I am but I just can't find myself appreciating it.
I used to be very positive in life. And whatever that is thrown at me, I view it as an opportunity to challenge myself and learn.
But now, I am just resisting everything. And I can't seem to find an explanation for this. And it's frustrating.
I am unsure if it's because of job mismatched or because I've been cooped up for way too long.
I haven't been spending much time outside ever since the pandemic started.
I am still not allowed to many places as they only those who are fully-vaccinated to have that freedom. I am still waiting for my second dose in October.
At the same time, because our movements have been restricted due to this pandemic, I feel that I have no purpose in life. I am not able to travel.
For working so hard, there is no outlet for me to release stress, pamper myself or celebrate little achievements as we can't go anywhere.
Day-in, day-out, it's all about work. Even on weekends. There doesn't seem to be a boundary between work and personal space anymore.
Sometimes I get anxiety that people can still find me even when I am on leave. Because they know, you can reply to them later as you won't be anywhere far from home.
I can easily access to my email, chats as my laptop is within my reach.
So yeah. I guess the above are just my pent-up frustrations.
Not knowing what I should do or where I should head to.
But, I guess, after more than a year in my current position, I don't think that my personality fits the job.
I've tried very hard. I put in a lot of efforts. I've been willing to learn. But I am not sure if they are enough.
I am a perfectionist. I care too much about how people perceive of me when I can't live up to their expectations despite being new in that position.
I am worried I'd end up with anxiety or depression 😔
I really need to avoid that because there's so much ahead of me.
I just need to steer back to the right path. And discover what I truly want in my life.
Well, I guess that's all for my rant today.
I pray that things would get better for me from now on.
I pray that next year would be a better year and I'd be given the opportunity to express myself. I will constantly search for the opportunity that suits my needs.
Thank you for reading until the end of this post.
It means a lot to me to know someone actually cares about what I think or feel.
I will probably write a lighter post in my next one 😉
Until then.
Take care and stay safe!
Cheers.
10:56 PM
