~Strength~
Sunday, February 21, 2016
"I must be strong,
and carry on,
'Cause I know I don't belong,
Here in heaven"
Tears in Heaven- Eric Clapton
Hello, dear readers!
This is just gonna be a random post where I pour my feelings.
I find it unhealthy to keep things bottled up and needed a space to write down my thoughts somewhere.
Though I know, I have been constantly sharing my feelings with a couple of people as well.
But somehow, having a space to write my thoughts will remind my future self to continue being strong =)
and to see how much I have grown since then.
So, I flew back to the United Kingdom on the 13th of February, 2016 and arrived in London the following day. [Missing Valentine's Day this year. bleks =P]
I was away from work for a month. But, it didn't feel like a month. haha! XD
It was my own decision to fly back on this date after Chinese New Year celebration.
Time was what I needed.
And I had to fly back to complete the remaining weeks of my internship and my project.
Time flew when I was back in Penang. I was caught up with my tasks.
And soon did I know that I am about to fly back to the United Kingdom already.
That one month getaway from work was a therapy to me.
To clear things off my mind by keeping myself busy.
To be with my family members physically and mentally.
To get some breather from everything that has happened.
The supports we have been giving each other have made this healing phase easier.
And also, being back home, I had the opportunity to meet my other half as well.
He has been trying his best to be by my side during my weakest point in life. Bringing me out, pampering me. and giving me endless emotional support.
He made sure I was eating well and taking good care of myself.
He tried every possible way to cheer me up as well =)
So... I have been back to the company for a week now =)
It is my 8th day since I got back here. =)
Mixed feelings ever since I got back here. Sad. Happy. Reluctant. Excited.
Everyone in the team was welcoming me back and it made me feel in place as well.
I'd say, the past week, it was difficult for me.
To be honest, I was emotionally unstable.
There were times, I actually felt that I can no longer continue this internship here.
I even had the thoughts of flying back and ditching this internship.
Sometimes, questions asked by my fellow colleagues made me think back of those times back home and my daddy.
It was difficult. I had to hold my tears sometimes.
I had to show I am strong.
But inside, I am this soft, vulnerable girl.
This place, it haunts me.
Every corner of the house I am living in, it haunts me.
I remember exactly what happened the other day. Every single detail of it.
I am not torturing myself but sometimes, seems like everything here, reminds me of it.
It's just a natural response.
I don't know how to explain to you. But yea, if you were in my shoes, you'd understand.
I've tried every possible ways to push those thoughts away.
But, it is never easy, you see.
Sometimes, looking at the sofa where I sat on during the last time I spoke to my dad replays back the incident.
It's difficult,I admit it.
Being away from my family has made this phase difficult.
Sometimes, I just need emotional supports from people who actually understand what I am going through.
I am not saying that I do not have anybody here. I do have friends here.
But sometimes, family members are who you need during this time.
There were many days I woke up feeling miserable.
To know the fact that things are not the same anymore.
There won't be any "good morning" and "good night" voice clips from him.
I am not able to hear how his day is anymore.
or am I able to tell him what I have for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
And I can no longer hear those three words he always tell me, "Love you, girl".
And there won't be "talk to you tomorrow".
Now, I just tell him everything in my heart and mind.
It has not settled in my mind that he has left us physically.
I miss him terribly.
And I love him very much.
And then I remember.
and been reminded by my housemate.
Of the number of weeks left here. 8 more weeks.
I imagine the last week of being here.
The joy of packing and going back home for good.
I remember my main objectives of being here.
I remember what my dad wished for as well.
For me to complete my internship here.
To travel.
To gain as much experience along the way.
To never let anything hold me back.
I just want him to feel proud of me.
I know daddy lives in my mind and heart.
I know very well he loves me a lot too.
And that he has been very proud of my achievements.
I know he has sacrificed a lot for me and my family.
For us to go this far.
Opportunity to be placed in such prestigious company does not come knocking at everyone's door.
Some wished for it but never obtained it.
But, I was blessed with such opportunity.
And those reasons mentioned above have kept me going.
I know I have to stay strong =)
And things happened for a reason.
Losing someone permanently is a very difficult thing.
This is just a test to me.
Eventually, I will overcome this phase.
Time is what I truly need. =)
Well, guess that's all for my rant.
Just waiting to video call with someone while writing this post haha xD
Till then, cheers!
xx
"Nothing's gonna change my love for you"
7:51 PM
